Mom-Shaming Can Shove It

I realized quickly as a young adult that society tends to make women's business their business. And I've realized even more quickly now, as an expectant mother, that everyone tends to make a pregnant woman's business their business, too.

That probably sounds dramatic. And yet, I have never had so many questions get asked about my personal decisions in my entire life. If only people cared about my career, my personal dreams, or heck - even my thoughts on the weather as much as they care about me bringing children into this world.

The shaming actually started before I ever even started trying to have children, if I really think about it. I remember when I was about 13 years old, I shared with my old-fashioned, Italian grandfather that I wasn't sure if I wanted kids. I don't remember what conversation preceded me saying this, but I do remember his response: "A tree that doesn't bear fruit is a waste of space."

Fast forward about 13 years, and I've hit the lottery in terms of husbands. This man has softened my calloused heart in the decade we have been together in ways I didn't know were possible. Starting a family with him doesn't even require a second thought! I absolutely, undoubtedly want children now. We ended up waiting until 6 months after our wedding to officially start trying. I thought getting pregnant would be easy, but I soon learned that is not the case for all women. We found out in March of 2023 I was pregnant, but quickly discovered it was not viable as I began experiencing an early miscarriage just a few weeks later. The shame I felt shook me to my core. I have never been more disappointed in my body. How could it fail me? This is what I was designed to do, right? It's what society has been brainwashing me to want to become since I was a young girl playing house and taking care of my baby dolls. And a tree that doesn't bear fruit is a waste of space!!

My miscarriage sent me on a spiral to learn more about my reproductive health. I was on hormonal birth control from ages 13-26; I didn't realize how abnormal my cycles were because I had hardly experienced them (PS: NO SHAME TO THOSE WHO TAKE HBC AND DON'T WANT TO BECOME MOTHERS, EITHER). My OB-GYN asked me a series of questions that made me remember the painful periods I experienced prior to starting HBC, and that my cycles never were regular or predictable back then - in fact, I remembered they were always quite long. My doctor ran a series of tests and it was discovered that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) as well as Adenomyosis. While my doctor remained hopeful I would be able to get pregnant again, Google told me differently. Both conditions are leading causes for infertility. I read countless stories of women with the same conditions as me that could never get pregnant and stay pregnant on their own, even though they had tried for several years.

Learning more about my diagnoses caused me to fall into a dark depression and my anxiety was at an all time high. I remember crying to my sister-in-law and saying, "If I cannot have kids, I don't want to live anymore." A tree that doesn't bear fruit is a waste, after all. I cried to my husband about how worried I was that I would never be able to make him a father, even though I knew he would be the best dad there ever was. He reassured me that he would be fulfilled by a life with me no matter what - whether that be with kids or without.

Three months after my diagnoses and six months after my miscarriage, I fell pregnant again. I had just made peace with the fact that motherhood may not be in the cards for me, or that I may need medical assistance to conceive, such as with medication, IUI or IVF. But life had other plans, I suppose. I simultaneously felt like the luckiest girl in the word and that at the same time, I was destined for doom. I believed I was surely going to miscarriage again. I am fortunate that all of my anxieties and worst fears did not come true; instead, I soon discovered I was pregnant with the twins. And it was a viable, healthy pregnancy.

My two miracles at 5 weeks 4 days

So now, I am a tree that bears fruit. Oh, how happy I must be! After all, Aristotle himself said, "To be pregnant is to be vitally alive, thoroughly woman, and undoubtedly inhabited." Except... pregnancy is awful for me. My body had a rough time adjusting to all the hormones and the 2 rapidly growing babies beginning very early on at 8 weeks. My joints ached, my bones felt broken, and my abdominal muscles felt sunburnt from being stretched beyond their limit so quickly. My reflux was so severe that I often woke up aspirating on my stomach acid. I stopped sleeping regularly around 20 weeks due to the pain I was in. When people would ask how I was doing, it was tough to fake it. It felt like I was outnumbered in my own body - I was, 2:1 - and I was struggling. If I expressed discomfort or vented honestly about my agony, I most often got the same response: "You should be grateful. It'll all be worth it in the end." Another one I commonly received in response to my negativity was "Oh, I loved being pregnant..." with a sad, disappointed face. You may say these comments were meant to be encouraging, and you may be right. But to me, it felt like my experience was being undercut. Of course they would be worth it! I knew that! And, gosh, I wished I loved being pregnant. But I didn't, no matter how hard I desperately tried to. Every. Single. Day. These comments made me feel as if not enjoying it meant I wasn't strong enough, or woman enough, or grateful enough, and that I needed to suck it up. I became bitter and envious of women who did enjoy it. Hostile towards those who asked me how I was doing. Because I knew rarely would the response be, "I hear you. This is rough. You're going through a lot. Let me know how I can help."

Eventually, I learned who I could and couldn't be honest with about how I was doing day-to-day. But, the mom-shame didn't stop there, unfortunately. As I began moving further along in my pregnancy, the comments became more intrusive. The unsolicited advice and opinions became more frequent. Medicated vs. unmedicated births ... breastfeeding vs. formula ... c-section vs. vaginal births ... My head would spin. Wait, when did I ask again?

An experience I will never forget, is the horror on my mother-in-law's face when I told her I was expecting to have a planned c-section. "Why?", she asked, as if I owed her justification for how I chose to bring my children into this world. "Well..." I sheepishly responded, "With twins one is often breech. But even if they're both head down, it's pretty common that Baby B could end up needing to be born via emergency-C. I would just rather plan it to have them both via c-section versus one vaginal and one c-section." Her response? "You have time to change your mind." I remember going on Reddit and doom-scrolling for hours, looking for reasons to justify my decision. Am I less of a woman, or a worse mother, if I choose to give birth via c-section? Unsurprisingly, tons of people on the internet fell in the same camp as my mother-in-law.

This interaction fired me up and put a chip on my shoulder. I soon decided I would no longer tolerate comments about how I chose to enter and navigate MY journey of becoming a mother. That didn't mean they stopped coming, though; I just found my backbone. "Breast is best." No, fed is best. "You should try..." No, I will listen to the medical advice of my doctor, but thank you. "Are you guys planning on having more after the twins?" No. “You guys just have to have another!" Well, are you going to pay for their childcare so we can afford to have another? (Also, can I also just clarify that we need to stop asking women when they're going to try for a baby PERIOD? Not only is it none of your business, but it also can be incredibly hurtful to someone who may be struggling with infertility.) While I may come off as abrasive, or overly sarcastic when I give my retort, it's been empowering to stick up for myself. And hopefully, it causes them to think twice about making similar comments to other mothers in the future.

I encourage you to stand up for yourself the next time someone mom-shames you. A clear message needs to be sent that the decisions we make as mothers are no one’s business but our own, as long as our babies are happy, healthy, and safe. Plus, mothers have enough to deal with. Did you know pregnancy is the equivalent of running a marathon for 40 weeks? Or that your brain is literally re-shaped after you give birth? And we're expected to also put up with rude comments from Karen's?!

No thank you. Enough is enough. Mom-shaming can shove it.

If you are struggling with feelings of depression or anxiety during or after pregnancy, call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262).

Posted from the heart,

Mama Poe